To Die
by Keiko
Summary: Yaten's thoughts on death and life. DEATHFIC slight shoujo ai at the end
1. Leaving

To Die  
By: Keiko Nakamoto  
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailormoon. Did you think I did? Wow, really? Oh. No? Well, I don't so...  
Notes: I haven't slept all night. Now it's 7:07 AM. I'm depressed, I've been crying since 3:12 AM. Comedies are my thing, but I'm just not in the mood, so sorry. It's sort of shoujo ai, but see, I'm not in the mood to make this a real sweet love story so...yeah. But it's there and you've been warned.  
  
~ # ~  
  
Death...a word heavy laden with fear, spite, and sadness. To die. An action involving loss of life. Nothing more. Just something painfully simple. To pass away. A 'gentler' way of saying 'to die'. How can one try to soften death? That's as foolish as challenging God Himself. So why, why do we continue living if it all leads to death in the end? Ya know, I have no clue how some people can go on, knowing that everything they do is useless, meaningless, pointless. Barely a scratch in some infinite time.  
  
"Now, what are you moping about?" Seiya said, sitting down next to me. I glared at her.  
  
"Nothing." I hissed. She blinked.  
  
"Ri-ight..." she said. She rolled her eyes. "Stop lying, what's wrong?"  
  
"NOTHING!" I stood up and started to walk away.  
  
"Yaten, wait." Seiya said. I turned and glared at her, again. She sighed. "Please. What's wrong?"  
  
"Why the hell do you think there's always something wrong!?" I spat. She looked surprised.  
  
"Look Yaten, I just wanted to know if I could help..." she said, raising her hands in front of her and backing away.  
  
"Just...leave me alone." I said with a sigh. She left and I retreated to my room, and to my thoughts.  
  
Suicide...the act of taking one's own life. 'Taking' one's own life? I don't see how you can 'take' a life. It's illogical. You can eliminate a life, not take it. Taking is the act of acquiring something by removing it from someone or something else's possession. If you take something it must be something that you can keep. You can't keep a 'taken' life. Once life is eliminated it cannot be retrieved. Some people believe in 'reincarnation'. That's a load of bull. Once you die, you're gone. Forever. No ifs, buts, or maybes. Gone. I sighed.   
  
And once a person is gone, they are eventually forgotten. It is for this reason that no one can truly make a 'difference'. There are a few who are still remembered, but they were history makers, and nowadays there isn't that same kind of history to be made. There isn't a place on this planet that hasn't been inhabited, and that only really leaves arts or inventions. Inventors are forgotten. For example, do you remember the name of the man or woman that invented the fork? Or how about the person who invented books with covers and paper pages with ink letters on them? Sure, some people might know, but only a select few.  
  
The Arts. Music, literature, art itself. These are near impossible to become truly famous in. A few are remembered and celebrated for a long time, but most fade away. Leonardo DaVinci, Beethoven, Shakespeare. Men from Earth. You know who they are as well as I do, but think of the millions of painters, musicians, and authors you've never heard of and never will hear of. There are a lot. So you have to be truly fortunate to make a real difference. I was not one of those people who would ever make any difference.   
  
One of the only other reasons that people continue living is for others, for love. What a joke. No one truly loved me. Not Seiya, not Taiki, not Kakyuu, not Minako, not even Usagi with her big heart could love me. I would make no difference, I was not loved, I would be forgotten. So I pulled it out from under my mattress.   
  
Cold silver, shining. I drew a quick breath as I firmly slid the blade across my wrist. I watched in sick fascination as my red blood seeped out of the wound. I quickly repeated the procedure on my other wrist. The blood fell, instantly staining my white carpet. I watched my own blood leave me for a few minutes when I began to feel faint. Alone, I crumpled to the floor. Blood splattering all over me and the room as my arms hit the ground. I collided so hard with the floor that I coughed up a bit of blood and I lay there. I could feel the blood pouring out of me. Out of my wrists, out of my mouth and nose. I shuddered as everything became hazy and the outside rim of my vision blurred to black. I felt as if a dark veil had been placed over my eyes.  
  
"Yaten?" Seiya knocked on my door.   
  
'Shit.' I thought. 'She must have heard me fall.'   
  
"You okay? It sounded like something fell."  
  
I tried to answer, but I found that I had lost too much strength to form an answer loud enough for her to hear through my door.  
  
"Yaten?" she tried the doorknob and found it locked. I coughed again and I know Seiya heard me. "Yaten! Are you alright? Yaten!"  
  
She was pounding on the door now.  
  
"...go...way..." I murmured, even though I knew she couldn't hear me. She rammed the door open and I saw her hands fly to her mouth in shock. I knew I was covered in blood, and it was still flowing. I could feel it. I could hardly see, but everywhere I looked, the carpet, my bed spread, myself, everything was splattered with the blood from when I fell.  
  
"...Yaten..." Seiya gasped. She turned around and yelled. "TAIKI! TAIKI GET THE HELL OVER HERE!"  
  
"...go...'way..." I mumbled again. Seiya stumbled forward, still in partial shock and kneeled down. She picked me up and cradled me in her arms. I felt so small, like a fragile porcelain doll the way she held me.  
  
"I'm not going away..." she said firmly. She gingerly lifted one of my wrists and tried vainly to make it stop bleeding. Tears flooded her eyes. "Why?"  
  
I turned my head away from her. I could barely see, but I didn't want the feeling of her looking at my bloodied face. I heard Taiki run into the room and gasp.  
  
"Yaten!" she wailed, I felt her fast footsteps race over and I heard her kneel down. I felt Seiya show her my wrist.  
  
"She slit her wrists." Seiya said mournfully. No shit I slit my wrists, genius. Taiki wrapped something around both cuts and I felt the bleeding slow.  
  
"...stop..." I managed, through labored breaths. "Lea'me 'lone...lemme...die..."  
  
At this remark, I heard Seiya choke back a sob. I closed my eyes. Wasn't like I could see out of them anymore, anyway. I shivered as my body became very, very cold. I felt my body begin to go numb. Why couldn't they just leave me. Leave me to die alone. I didn't want them here! Why did they stay...then I heard it. Seiya had laid her head on mine, and was burying her face in my hair.  
  
"...love you..." she whispered, her tears wetting my hair. "I love you so much!"  
  
I strained to open my eyes, and I tried to force my blurry vision to clear. I looked up at Seiya and I realized something. I loved her too.  
  
"...love you..." I choked out. Seiya's eyes widened and she clutched me tighter, as if to stop my life from leaving me. "...sor...ry..."  
  
Was this what it's like? Is this how it feels...to die? I heard Seiya's strangled cry as I slipped away. Then everything went black.  
  
~ Owari  



	2. I'm Coming Too...

To Die  
By: Keiko Nakamoto  
Disclaimer:  
Notes: This idea just kinda hit me, and it fit with the last chapter of this story, so I added it, even though "To Die" was originally meant to be a one-shot fic. So here ya go.  
  
~ * ~  
  
Do you know what pain is? I'd say that eight ninths of the universe's population don't know true, heart-searing pain.   
  
Pain harsher than any physical ailment.   
  
Rather, I mean the pain of losing the only person in the universe you love before you ever got the chance to show them the extent of you love. When your first "I love you" was also your last. When "till death do us part" means until the next minute. Seeing your love kill themselves because they thought no one loved them. Hearing "I love you, I'm sorry" as their final words to you, and never having heard that before. Loving someone with your entire being, but having them ripped away just as you learned that they loved you too.  
  
Yaten.  
  
Gods Yaten, why?  
  
Why did you leave me like this? WHY!?! I can't do this, I can't live like this without you…I just can't. I cry endlessly, I can't protect the princess anymore. Only you. I can only remember you. Never once did I hold you in a sweet embrace. Never once did I feel your lips on mine. Never once was that smile filled with love for me alone.  
  
Why?  
  
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? God knows I would've been there for you. I would've listened! So, why? Why did you feel so alone that you felt the only way you could end the loneliness was to remove yourself from the world?  
  
Life may be cruel, but we could've made it through together. We could've had a future. Could've been happy. I loved you so much.   
  
I love you so much.  
  
My Yaten, please why!!!  
  
"Seiya?" a quiet voice calls from my door. I look up.  
  
"Go away Taiki." I choke out through my tears. She ignores me and comes closer.  
  
"Seiya." She says again, now I see tears making their way down her face. "Seiya, please."  
  
"Yes." I say. "PLEASE leave."  
  
More tears.  
  
"Seiya, please, that's…you know that's not…not what I mean…" she whimpers. "Seiya…I just…"  
  
She collapses. My eyes widen. Impossible. She wouldn't. She's far to smart to…to…do that…  
  
I jump up  
  
"T-Taiki?" I ask in fear. "Taiki, please SAY SOMETHING!!"  
  
I know I'm frantic now. I race over to her. I can't lose her. I can't lose another…not so soon…no, not now, no!! Please no!!  
  
I cradle her in my arms, searching for any cuts or wounds. I find none. However, I know that's not the only way she could've tried to leave. New tears flood my eyes as I look skyward.  
  
"Yaten…" I whimper. "Please don't let her leave me too! Help me, Yaten!!!"  
  
I feel Taiki's breathing go shallow, and her heart slow. Fear grips my heart harder. I shake my head in defiance.   
  
This isn't happening.  
  
Not again. NO. IT ISN'T HAPPENING!  
  
"I…" Taiki gasps. "I'm s..sorry…I……I didn…didn't m-mean to…"  
  
I shake my head, now in overwhelming grief as I feel her go limp in my arms.  
  
"Taiki." I say. "You can't do this to me. You just can't"  
  
I shake her.  
  
"TAIKI! ANSWER ME!" I scream at her lifeless body. "TAAAIIIKIII!"  
  
I feel numb.  
  
They've left me. They've gone away. Faaar away. How dare they leave me behind!  
  
I giggle suddenly with dark glee.  
  
Yaten left because she thought no one loved her. Taiki left because Yaten left. Well, I'M gonna do better than BOTH of them. I'm gonna leave because no one loves me enough to stay with me AND because Yaten left. See how much better than them I am? I giggle again.  
  
I'll be leaving now. I jump up, tears gone and a sick grin on my face. I skip to the kitchens where I smuggle a small knife. Giggling I return to my room and the still-warm body of Taiki. I run my hand along her face.  
  
"Sweet, smart Taiki." I whisper. "Whyever didn't you wait for me? I'dve come with you!"  
  
I giggle more as I look at my newly acquired knife. My ticket to see my love and my best friend. Now…  
  
I slide it across my wrists quickly, imitating what I assume Yaten did. I smile as I feel my life leaving me. I blink as I hear a knock on my door. I grin.  
  
"Even MORE like when Yaten went away." I giggle.  
  
"Seiya? Is Taiki in there?" my princess's voice asks. I giggle more.  
  
"Nope! He's gone away like Yaten!" I say childishly. "Bye-bye Princess! I have to leave now too!"  
  
I hear a gasp and the door flies open. Kakyuu rushes to me and presses her hands around my leaking wrists, slowing the red flow. I pull away from her.  
  
"Don't do that." I say. "I have to go now. Will you come too?"  
  
Her crimson eyes widen as she looks at me and the vessel next to me. Tears flood her eyes as she sees it.  
  
"Don't cry!" I say. "That's not Taiki anymore. Taiki's left to go see Yaten. And now, I have to go to. You can come with if you like."  
  
I hold out the knife. She stares at it. My vision blurs.  
  
"Princess." I rasp. "Take it and come or say your goodbyes, I'm leaving."  
  
Determination appears in her eyes. She takes the knife from me, obviously making a decision. She won't copy me and Yaten, I know. She uses her power to turn the knife into a sword, and she thrusts it into her heart. She coughs up blood and is gone away even before I am.  
  
"Wait princess, I'm coming too!" I cry out weakly. "I'm…"  
  
…coming too…  
  
~ Owari 


End file.
